How I Met Your Mother may have taught us that nothing good happens after 2am but there are still a few things you should learn about what the dreaded stroke of midnight brings.
Cinderella isn’t the only one who needs to beware when the clock strikes 12; mere mortals must also carefully consider their moves to avoid embarrassment, disappointment and face-palming when they wake in the morning and realise what they’ve done.
1. Make Permanent Or Semi-Permanent Body Modifications
Getting “his and hers” tattoos is never a good idea. And no, you don’t really want or need that lip ring in your life. Please, for your own sake, avoid the mirror altogether if you’re an overly enthusiastic eyebrow-plucker or self-tanner. Just say no.
2. Text Your Ex
Unless you have an app on your phone that makes you solve timed equations or redirects you to a patronising toll-free service, you need to practise some self-control and stop drinking gin. And don’t even think about prank calling the guy; you’re not a 13-year-old anymore. God forbid he replies… or shows up. You will be kicking yourself for that.
3. Eat A Feast
Whether that’s a Macca’s run or a “let’s load the oven with all the party pies, spring rolls and frozen pizzas we own” feast, you might think it’s the most damn delicious and genius idea you’ve ever had. But you will regret it. If not immediately, surely the next day. A big meal before crashing into a food-induced coma is not ideal because your stomach needs time (ideally three hours) to digest your meal. Your body is less active while you sleep, meaning you burn less calories, meaning regular post-midnight feasting could cause you to gain weight.
4. Send A "Professional" Email
No matter how eloquent you think it sounds at 12.53am, the timestamp will ALWAYS make you look unprofessional. And little typos, grammatical mistakes or rambling will be 10 times more apparent to the recipient as they wonder why on earth you were drafting an email at that hour. So to avoid looking like you’re catching up on business emails while you’re buzzed on the couch, save it as a draft, review it in the morning and send it at a reasonable hour like a normal person.
5. Spend Money…Unnecessarily
Some expenses are entirely necessary (the most important is listed below), but some will leave you baffled. Avoid having your card decline at the service station on the way to work on Monday; no one wants to suffer murderous glares from the attendant and other customers while attempting to transfer money. Keep your card safely tucked away after midnight before you get tap-happy and attempt to bleed your bank account dry. The same goes for spur-of-the-moment online shopping. Ask yourself, “Do I really want this? Or am I just bored?”
6. Walk Home Alone
Just don’t! This world can be a scary place and you need to take care of yourself. Ask for a lift from a trusted friend or relly, or order a ride. A safe trip home is one expense you can always afford to splurge on.
And never, never feed a Gremlin after midnight. That’s just goddamn reckless.
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